Monday, March 9, 2015

i am not a victim

my last post was pretty personal and hard to write.   it needed done.   as i have been letting this roam a little more freely in my head, i realized that i probably needed to explain something.  it's a word that i feel gets used to often in any sense and way too often as an excuse or a cage.   VICTIM

in my last post, i said, " i was never a victim.   i allowed it to happen.   i chose to stay.  i chose to leave."   that sounds simple and yet i can see where it sounds like i am degrading women who stay.   i felt like i needed to clear this up and possibly help to make a few less victims in the world.

the literal definition sounds like this, "suffers from a destructive or injurious action", "deceived or cheated", "sacrificed".   all pretty horrific and powerless but completed, over and done.   victim is a final, past tense, helpless word.   abuse is not final.   the person being abused is not helpless.   applying the word victim, serves only to shove a person deeper into the cage and strips them of power.        

if you are in an abusive situation, it doesn't end.   if you leave the relationship, the mentality goes with you.   that is why so many women stay or go from one abuser to another.   it's like an addiction.   can you break it?   YES!   just like any addiction, you can get out.   like any addiction, you can be in recovery, you can be recovering, but some part of this mental state or tendency to allow this behaviour is still there.  

victim means helpless.
a victim can't do anything to change what happened.   a victim can report it to police, testify and do all of those justice things, but they can't change it.   a person in an abusive situation CAN DO SOMETHING!   victim traps you.   it puts you someplace that you can't leave.   that isn't what abuse is.   it is what abuse tries to do but you can leave!   you can do something about it.   you can get out of it.   you are not helpless.   you are not trapped.  you choose.   it isn't an easy choice.   it isn't an easy road.   nothing about it is easy except staying.   as crazy as that sounds, the easy way is to stay.   overcoming the fear and the dependance and the thought process is real battle.   it is so hard.  

the word victim serves only the abuser.   being a victim is easy.   too  many people claim the word victim and give up their thoughts of freedom when they place the label on their foreheads.  

telling a person that they are the victim tells them that the have no power over what happens.   we don't call people drug victims.   they are addicts.   i don't know that abuse addict is the right word but it is closer than victim.  

victim is hopeless, weak, trapped.   i was never a victim.   i refused to be a victim.   i refuse to tell anyone in an abuse situation that they are a victim.    you are not hopeless.   you are not weak.   you are not trapped.   you are not a victim!   throw off the label and take back some power.   don't allow anyone to tell you that you are a victim of something you can stop.

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